The Joke Thread

[Wendell_E]

"Why would anyone buy a death bed?"

- Norm MacDonald

But seriously, it's cheaper than renting one from a hospital. 

[Iota]

I don't trust people who count in their heads. You never know what they're up to.

[DaveF]

It's very difficult to find jokes that my four-and-a-half year old can understand. Here's one I think he gets: why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9.

Which reminded me of this one - sadly, your now 6-year-old probably won't understand.  (It makes more sense when heard rather than read):

What comes between fear and sex?
Fünf.

[milk]

Which reminded me of this one - sadly, your now 6-year-old probably won't understand.  (It makes more sense when heard rather than read):

What comes between fear and sex?
Fünf.

My six year old? I had to research this one! I do have a Swiss friend. I'll ask him if he's heard this joke before.

[SimonNZ]

Me: *telling a joke*
Sara: hahaha
Sarah: hahahah

[Irons]

Me: *telling a joke*
Sara: hahaha
Sarah: hahahah

Good one.

[Cato]

Peter Schickele told this on his radio show many years ago: I just about wrecked the car at the end! 

An anthropologist discovers a lost tribe: he was able to find them because he had followed the sounds of drums into an unexplored valley.

Fortunately the tribe spoke a language related to one spoken by others across the mountains, so with some difficulty he was able to communicate with the tribe.

The tribe was amazed when he appeared and began festivities to welcome him.  After meeting the chief, and noticing that the distant drums were still beating very interesting rhythms, the anthropologist asked the chief:

"Those drums which your tribe is playing somewhere: are they part of a religious ceremony?"

The chief becomes very cautious and simply says "No!"

Hours later, near nightfall, the drums are still beating, and the explorer wonders how long they will last.

Waking up in the middle of the night, he still hears the drums beating extraordinary rhythms!

In the morning, the drums are still going!

So again he wonders and asks the chief: "Can you tell me what the drumming means?"

The chief rolls his eyes, sighs, and says mysteriously: "If drums beat, Life good!"

Unsatisfied, the visitor carefully inquires among others in the tribe, but receives either a wide-eyed "No!" or a repetition of "If drums beat, Life good!"

So, the researcher spends several days with the tribe, and for 24 hours every day, the drums keep beating!

Finally, the anthropologist needs to return to his base camp, and meets with the chief to say good-bye.

In the middle of his farewell, the drums stop beating!

Immediately people start weeping, crying, running for cover, dropping to their knees and beating the ground and screaming in despair and agony!

Astonished, the anthropologist says: "CHIEF!  Please!  You must explain!  Why did the drums stop beating?  Why is everyone so panicked?"

The chief shakes his head, covers his eyes, and says:

"Time for bass solo!" 

[Irons]

A new Chinese restaurant opened in my town with a large poster in the window All you can eat for £5 

They gave me one chopstick!

[Cato]

American comedian Bob Newhart died today at age 94.

Here is an excerpt from his second TV show in the 1980's: the set-up is that Bob has a TV show, on which he interviews authors about their books.

The scheduled author has canceled at the last minute, so the producer has quickly found another author to fill the spot....except Bob has obviously not read his book.

The actor playing the author is absolutely brilliant! Guy Boyd, a character actor in dramas and - obviously - comedies!

[Irons]

Aldershot Brass Ensemble.

https://youtu.be/7ZqZgmpq1nw?si=9UhrVB6QBsp52iQR

[Pohjolas Daughter]

American comedian Bob Newhart died today at age 94.

Here is an excerpt from his second TV show in the 1980's: the set-up is that Bob has a TV show, on which he interviews authors about their books.

The scheduled author has canceled at the last minute, so the producer has quickly found another author to fill the spot....except Bob has obviously not read his book.

The actor playing the author is absolutely brilliant! Guy Boyd, a character actor in dramas and - obviously - comedies!

I was very sorry to hear about his passing.  Do you remember how the Newhart show ended? 

PD

[Cato]

I was very sorry to hear about his passing.  Do you remember how the Newhart show ended? 

PD

Oh yes!  Probably the greatest surprise ending in a T.V. show ever!   

[Karl Henning]

Peter Schickele told this on his radio show many years ago: I just about wrecked the car at the end! 

An anthropologist discovers a lost tribe: he was able to find them because he had followed the sounds of drums into an unexplored valley.

Fortunately the tribe spoke a language related to one spoken by others across the mountains, so with some difficulty he was able to communicate with the tribe.

The tribe was amazed when he appeared and began festivities to welcome him.  After meeting the chief, and noticing that the distant drums were still beating very interesting rhythms, the anthropologist asked the chief:

"Those drums which your tribe is playing somewhere: are they part of a religious ceremony?"

The chief becomes very cautious and simply says "No!"

Hours later, near nightfall, the drums are still beating, and the explorer wonders how long they will last.

Waking up in the middle of the night, he still hears the drums beating extraordinary rhythms!

In the morning, the drums are still going!

So again he wonders and asks the chief: "Can you tell me what the drumming means?"

The chief rolls his eyes, sighs, and says mysteriously: "If drums beat, Life good!"

Unsatisfied, the visitor carefully inquires among others in the tribe, but receives either a wide-eyed "No!" or a repetition of "If drums beat, Life good!"

So, the researcher spends several days with the tribe, and for 24 hours every day, the drums keep beating!

Finally, the anthropologist needs to return to his base camp, and meets with the chief to say good-bye.

In the middle of his farewell, the drums stop beating!

Immediately people start weeping, crying, running for cover, dropping to their knees and beating the ground and screaming in despair and agony!

Astonished, the anthropologist says: "CHIEF!  Please!  You must explain!  Why did the drums stop beating?  Why is everyone so panicked?"

The chief shakes his head, covers his eyes, and says:

"Time for bass solo!" 

Hah! Sometime ago I heard a much leaner version of this. I dig the "extended cut."

[Pohjolas Daughter]

Oh yes!  Probably the greatest surprise ending in a T.V. show ever! 

This is a classic from his early days:

PD

[Cato]

Hah! Sometime ago I heard a much leaner version of this. I dig the "extended cut."

Yes, it is all about the poco a poco crescendo!   

[Karl Henning]

A six-year-old and a four-year-old are raking the yard. The six-year-old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss." The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The six-year-old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I am going to say something with hell and you say something with @ss." The four-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen, and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell, mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, and what do you want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know," he says, but you can bet your @ss it won't be Cheerios."

[Irons]

A friend purchased two goldfish. I said "what do you call them?" he said "one and two" I replied "they are strange names" he said "not really, if one dies I still have two".

[Karl Henning]

I call it an elevator, but my British friend calls it a lift. I guess we were raised differently. 

[71 dB]

Not a joke per se, but I found this incidence quite funny: I watch weekly Youtube streams by an American living in Finland trying (desperately!) to learn Finnish. At some point he was talking about dyed hair and someone told him to check out on Wikipedia one famous Finnish person known for her violet hair. While on Wikipedia, he started to press the "A random article" link and after a few articles he ended up to a Wikipedia page about Kastanjaperäkipuaja (the Chestnut-rumped woodcreeper), which is an interesting name for a bird species. He lets his browser to translate the Finnish bird-name into English and the result is "Chestnut anal pain reliever."   

No wonder they say learning Finnish is pain in the ass!

[Papy Oli]

I call it an elevator, but my British friend calls it a lift. I guess we were raised differently.

On so many levels