The Joke Thread

[Saul]

Real Turkish Delight!

Lots of timpani...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHJJuvGuQpk&feature=related

[Opus106]

I wonder which of the two apples was the more spiritual...

The one that the worm came out of was very holy indeed. 0:)

You see, Florestan?

[DavidW]

Yeah I couldn't help but pun badly!

[karlhenning]

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Always loved this one.

And then I found out what I needed to do, in the garage, in order to become a car . . . .

[Florestan]

You see, Florestan?

If you mean me, what's there to see that's got to do with me? 

[DavidW]

If you mean me, what's there to see that's got to do with me? 

I was wondering that myself, thought it was a private joke between you two, guess not!

[Opus106]

If you mean me, what's there to see that's got to do with me? 

The Spirituality = Holiness thing.

[Florestan]

The Spirituality = Holiness thing.

Oh my! You make very odd connections, my friend! 

[MDL]

I see somebody's started a poetry thread. I was going to post this just to be awkward, but it belongs here (if it belongs anywhere):

Mary had a little dress
Split right up the side,
And every step that Mary took,
The boys could see her thigh.
Mary had another dress
Split right up the front.
But she never wore that one.

[Superhorn]

   The Top !0 TV Shows IN Iraq :

   1. Husseinfeld.

   2. Mad About Everything.

   3. Allah McBeal.

    4. Wheel Of Fortune And Terror.

    5. Achmed's  Creek.

    6.  The Price Is Right If Saddam Says It's Right.

   7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest.

   8. The Brian Ben Ben Bin Laden Show .

   9.  Buffy The Slayer Of American Imperialist Dogs .

   10 Suddenly Sanctions.

[Saul]

http://www.youtube.com/v/sm7jman3aQ4

[mc ukrneal]

I see somebody's started a poetry thread. I was going to post this just to be awkward, but it belongs here (if it belongs anywhere):

Mary had a little dress
Split right up the side,
And every step that Mary took,
The boys could see her thigh.
Mary had another dress
Split right up the front.
But she never wore that one.

That reminds me of:

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
I don't know.

(need the right tone to make it work)

[Gurn Blanston]

Cape Cod Massachusetts. Yes, it matters.... 

A young blond woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Bourne Bridge . She was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship and you can start a new life in Europe ... I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday".

"How can I repay you for such kindness" she asked.

"Just let me make love to you each night..." The blond agreed.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who stowed me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to Europe and he's screwing me".

"He certainly is", the captain said. "This is the Martha's Vineyard Ferry."




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Now playing:
Christine Schornsheim - Hob 16 45 Sonata #29  in Eb for Keyboard 1st mvmt - Moderato

[snyprrr]

The nurse told me I had to stop masterbating!

And I was like, "Huh?,...why?"

"Because I'm trying to give you an exam!"

[Papy Oli]

In London, a City banker, in his mid 50's, serious, very elegant, wearing a melon hat, and a dark 3-piece suit is standing at a bus stop with a young punk bloke, wearing various piercings, with red/green/yellow blue and purple hair.

The City Gentleman is looking down on the punk with a certain despising air.

Offended, the punk shouts at him : "Got a problem mate ?? Looking at you, I actually think you have !! It doesn't seem like you have done anything excentric in your life !!! "

The banker stares at him for an instant and replies :

" You are well mistaken young man... Once, in my youth, in the West Indies, I have shagged a parrot.. and I was wondering if by any funny twist of fate, you were my son ! "

[Saul]

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

[George]

World Cup Fever

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral

[Scarpia]

World Cup Fever

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral

The golf version of this joke is more well known, I think. 

[George]

The golf version of this joke is more well known, I think.

I don't get it. Perhaps you forgot the punch line? 

[Scarpia]

I don't get it. Perhaps you forgot the punch line? 

Very clever.   

Fred, playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

http://www.jokesnjokes.net/funny.jokes.amusing.humor.laughs/Sports/golf004.htm