The Joke Thread

[Benji]

That is so 8 posts ago.

Like, totally!

Here's one that had my crying/struggling to breath, examples
(follow link for more)

[Opus106]

Thanks, Benji. Some of those were really funny! Some a bit silly, and I think some others could actually be used for parents-to-be.

[Spotswood]

How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb ? One, but the lightbulb  has to have insurance.

How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fifteen. One to change the bulb and fourteen to share the experience.

How many Jewish  mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's OK. They'll sit in the dark.

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to stand there and say, "I could have done that."

[Franco]

Saw this in the New Yorker:

One lion says to another: "I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

[karlhenning]

Courtesy of our Queso Grande:

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Cork, Ireland, was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.  He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ..... and then there are educators.

[Benji]

Get ready to cringe... although I did really like the medium one 


What happened to the thief who stole loads of batteries?

He was thrown in a cell and charged in the morning!


What is it if you get sacked from working on the dodgems?

Funfair dismissal!


What do painters and decorators do when it gets cold?

Put on another coat!


What was the TV repair man's wedding like?

Well the reception was good!


Why are scruffy men the most popular in lonely hearts columns?

Because women like a man with no ties!


Who is the leader of the soft toys?

Tony Bear!


Who is the fastest cobbler in the world?

Michael Shoe-maker!


Why did the government get worried about people visiting Stalin's grave?

They thought it might be a communist plot!


(This is my favourite) Why did the customer punch the smiling
clairvoyent?

She wanted to strike a happy medium!


Why is it ok to make jokes about computers?

Because they're all PC!


Why was the Bonsai bank unsuccessful?

They kept cutting back on branches!


Has anyone caught an abominable snowman?

Not yeti!


Why don't you invite crabs in to your house?

Because they pinch things!

[Gurn Blanston]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow.  Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his fuckin' widow."

[snyprrr]

Have you heard of Bobby Flay's sister, Sue?

[XB-70 Valkyrie]

Sarah Palin

[Spotswood]

So, Charles DeGaulle phones Golda Meir and tells her, in no uncertain terms, that when he dies, it is imperative he be buried in the Holy Land, and he asks how much a plot in the desert would cost.

"Well," Golda says," we barely have enough room for ourselves, and land is at a premium.  For a foreigner and a gentile, a grave in Israel would cost over a hundred thousand dollars American."

And DeGaulle says, "For three days?"

[Florestan]

Q: What would happen if Communists take over the Sahara desert?
A: In the first two years sand will still be available.

Capitalism means man's exploitation by his fellow man. Communism means exactly the other way around.

Q; Was Communism invented by philosophers or scientists?
A; Philosophers.
Q: Why, of course! Had it been invented by scientists, it would have been tested firstly on rats.

John and Ivan have a drink in Moscow, 1970.
John: You know, we Americans are absolutely free. If I place myself in front of the White House and shout loud "Down with Nixon!" nobody's going to arrest me.
Ivan: We Russians are as free as you are, too. If I place myself in the middle of the Red Square and shout loud "Down with Nixon!" nobody's going to arrest me either.

[karlhenning]

No one would arrest the American who screamed "Down with Nixon!"  But the "plumbers" would be marking his activities . . . .

[karlhenning]

. . . so what was the dinosaur doing in the bathroom in the first place? . . .

[Benji]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuq8e2zc8SE&feature=player_embedded

Six impossible pieces for piano midi. Well, impossible for a human to play at least.

[greg]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuq8e2zc8SE&feature=player_embedded

Six impossible pieces for piano midi. Well, impossible for a human to play at least.

I thought I saw those before, but they didn't look familiar this time.


Hey, Mommy, look what my piano teacher, Franz Liszt taught me to play today! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch/v/OO7Yq11OVMk&feature=related

[Benji]

I thought I saw those before, but they didn't look familiar this time.


Hey, Mommy, look what my piano teacher, Franz Liszt taught me to play today! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch/v/OO7Yq11OVMk&feature=related

Well...if pianism ever becomes an evolutionary advantage I imagine that's the kind of thing that we'll have in store

[Superhorn]

  For the 200 anniversary of the birth of Chopin, here are some Cho-Puns, and may
   his spirit forgive me for this:

   What's on your Chopin Liszt?  I'm having Cho-pangs of guilt.

   A Cho-Panic attack. Chopin-demic flu.  Chopin-demonium.

   I had a Chopin-wich for lunch.

   Bob is going in for a Chopin-dectomy this week.

  Italian Dishes in honor of Chopin:  Chopin-cetta.  Chopin-icotti.

   Chopin-zers: German tanks equipped with pianos.

   Don't Chopin-ic .   Chopin your pencil !  Man up and stop being such a Chopin-sy.

   Chopin's Labyrinth .  Chopin-taloons.

   Chopin-animatronics.  Have a glass of Chopigne.

    What lives at the zoo and plays the piano ?   A  Chopin-zee .   

   

                                                                                             

[Opus106]

Also beware of Mahleria, which experts think will have a wide-spread hold over the world especially in the next two years, and Scarlatti Fever A.

[Spotswood]

Also beware of Mahleria, which experts think will have a wide-spread hold over the world especially in the next two years, and Scarlatti Fever A.

Or certain allergens, which will give you a bad case of 'Ives.

[Guido]

Why did the baker's hands smell?

Because he kneaded a poo.